Last July. It seems like a lifetime ago…so much has happened.
- We lost our beloved Lia in August. It was the first time that I had experienced such soul-wrenching grief, but we took comfort in the fact that we did the absolute best we could by her, and that she knew we loved her.
- I quit my job of eight years in November and began a new career in a completely different industry although doing the same type of work. Since then, I think that I have been given a chance to show what I can do and have received nothing but positive experiences.
- In March I found out I was pregnant, but only about a week and a half later I wasn’t. I haven’t recovered from that – the grieving process has been on-going and traumatic for me – to the point that I am trying to get back into therapy. This was the second moment of soul-wrenching grief, although a hundred times more agonizing than Lia’s passing.
- During all of this I was, of course, still in school. At the end of May, I graduated with my second bachelor’s degree, with honors.
- In June, I got in a car accident. Sort of. My drivers’ side front tire fell off while I was driving on the highway. The situation turned out the best it possibly could have, but I’m still paranoid in my car.
- In July, Darrin’s father went missing for a week or so before he was found in a hospital in Chicago. Before Darrin and his brothers could get there, he had passed away.
The past few months have been mostly dealing with residual emotions and grief. When I married Darrin, I was very clear in his opinion on having children – that is, he didn’t want them. End of story. However, my experience in March has left me questioning what I want…if I’m still okay not having children, or if I want them. So, mid-September I told Darrin that I was considering it. The problem is…if I do want them, I’m dooming our marriage to failure. We have talked, and I know that this is the decision to be made – children or my marriage. Darrin is left in a sort of limbo while I’m agonizing over this decision, and he’s trying to give me space and support me as much as he can – but the fact is, he’s waiting on me to see if he will continue to have a wife.
I’ve tried to write out journal entries for him, random thoughts so that he knows that I’m thinking about it.
So many issues of mine have come to head during this. It has given horrible, terrible volume to the ugly voice in my head. I told Darrin the other night that for so long, I’ve felt ugly on the outside – but that somehow it wasn’t as bad because my insides were good. But now? I feel just as ugly on the inside as I do on the outside. I’m the bad guy here – I’m the one that ruined things by changing my mind.
I’ve tried to figure out why I would want them. I don’t have an overwhelming maternal instinct, but if I look into the future without kids it just seems so….lonely. And to be honest? I’m lonely now. Darrin and I only really see each other on the weekends due to his work schedule, and lately it’s only on Sundays. We aren’t a couple…we’re roommates. And I can’t stand it. It makes me feel ugly, undesirable, like I’m not worth his time.
Darrin doesn’t want to have to keep working so hard. He can’t see any positives in having kids…finances, time, everything is a negative. And I get that, I honestly do. A part of me agrees with him. I don’t want him to keep having to work so hard either. But a part of me feels like he’s not even trying…but I don’t know if that’s fair, if that’s just how he feels. I feel like we could make it work…but he doesn’t want to even try. We both agree on how serious this is, that the future of our marriage is in the balance…but I feel like his choice to not have kids is more important to him than our marriage. But then…maybe he feels like my possible desire to have kids is more important to me than our marriage. I don’t know who, or what, is right.
I’m literally living in fear…afraid of so many things. And I keep telling myself that decisions shouldn’t be made in fear…but I don’t know how to get past this fear. I don’t know how to make the decision.