Update

Last July.  It seems like a lifetime ago…so much has happened.

  • We lost our beloved Lia in August.  It was the first time that I had experienced such soul-wrenching grief, but we took comfort in the fact that we did the absolute best we could by her, and that she knew we loved her.
  • I quit my job of eight years in November and began a new career in a completely different industry although doing the same type of work.  Since then, I think that I have been given a chance to show what I can do and have received nothing but positive experiences.
  • In March I found out I was pregnant, but only about a week and a half later I wasn’t.  I haven’t recovered from that – the grieving process has been on-going and traumatic for me – to the point that I am trying to get back into therapy.  This was the second moment of soul-wrenching grief, although a hundred times more agonizing than Lia’s passing.
  • During all of this I was, of course, still in school.  At the end of May, I graduated with my second bachelor’s degree, with honors.
  • In June, I got in a car accident.  Sort of.  My drivers’ side front tire fell off while I was driving on the highway.  The situation turned out the best it possibly could have, but I’m still paranoid in my car.
  • In July, Darrin’s father went missing for a week or so before he was found in a hospital in Chicago.  Before Darrin and his brothers could get there, he had passed away.

 

The past few months have been mostly dealing with residual emotions and grief.  When I married Darrin, I was very clear in his opinion on having children – that is, he didn’t want them.  End of story.  However, my experience in March has left me questioning what I want…if I’m still okay not having children, or if I want them.  So, mid-September I told Darrin that I was considering it.  The problem is…if I do want them, I’m dooming our marriage to failure.  We have talked, and I know that this is the decision to be made – children or my marriage.  Darrin is left in a sort of limbo while I’m agonizing over this decision, and he’s trying to give me space and support me as much as he can – but the fact is, he’s waiting on me to see if he will continue to have a wife.

I’ve tried to write out journal entries for him, random thoughts so that he knows that I’m thinking about it.

So many issues of mine have come to head during this.  It has given horrible, terrible volume to the ugly voice in my head.  I told Darrin the other night that for so long, I’ve felt ugly on the outside – but that somehow it wasn’t as bad because my insides were good.  But now?  I feel just as ugly on the inside as I do on the outside.  I’m the bad guy here – I’m the one that ruined things by changing my mind.

I’ve tried to figure out why I would want them.  I don’t have an overwhelming maternal instinct, but if I look into the future without kids it just seems so….lonely.  And to be honest?  I’m lonely now.  Darrin and I only really see each other on the weekends due to his work schedule, and lately it’s only on Sundays.  We aren’t a couple…we’re roommates.  And I can’t stand it.  It makes me feel ugly, undesirable, like I’m not worth his time.

Darrin doesn’t want to have to keep working so hard.  He can’t see any positives in having kids…finances, time, everything is a negative.  And I get that, I honestly do.  A part of me agrees with him.  I don’t want him to keep having to work so hard either.  But a part of me feels like he’s not even trying…but I don’t know if that’s fair, if that’s just how he feels.  I feel like we could make it work…but he doesn’t want to even try.  We both agree on how serious this is, that the future of our marriage is in the balance…but I feel like his choice to not have kids is more important to him than our marriage.  But then…maybe he feels like my possible desire to have kids is more important to me than our marriage.  I don’t know who, or what, is right.

I’m literally living in fear…afraid of so many things.  And I keep telling myself that decisions shouldn’t be made in fear…but I don’t know how to get past this fear.  I don’t know how to make the decision.

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Out there

I don’t do this often (read: ever), but on the advice of my therapist and others, I’ve decided to throw this out there.

It’s been a rough two weeks.  Really rough.  But at the same time, I feel like I’ve crossed a sort of bridge and the other side is feeling pretty good right now.

In the past two weeks, I’ve taken finals for my classes and maintained a 4.0 GPA.  This includes 4 papers, 2 three-hour exams and a portfolio.

In the past two weeks, I’ve had to put one of my beloved cats in the hospital not once, but twice.  She had to undergo surgery to put in a feeding tube.  I broke down sobbing at work and chose to leave for that day, certain that Darrin and I would have to make some sort of end-of-life decision.  Since then, we’ve completely rearranged our lives around our girl, and she is responding well.

In the past two weeks, I’ve taken a hard look at the people in my life.  I worry about what other people think of me, and because of that I have allowed people to treat me badly for fear of losing what I thought was a friendship.  But these past two weeks have shown me that I simply don’t have the time and won’t expend the energy to keep those people in those positions in my life.  And it’s not like I suddenly hate these people – I have simply shifted their position in my life, and with it my expectations.

The last one is really the bridge-crossing one.  It’s oddly comforting to finally feel like I have something inside me that is worth standing up for, worth fighting for.  I’m not sure what it is yet, or even if it can be defined at all, but I know it’s there.  I’m done feeling like I have to put up with certain things in order for people to like me, or that I somehow deserve that behavior.

I won’t say that I won’t relapse, but for right now…I feel pretty content.

On Being a Beta

I’ve been thinking about my place in the world lately.  I was talking with a friend the other day about the places people take in the world and how some people are alpha and some aren’t.  As he spoke, I tried to think of my place in the world, of how to put it into words.  At that moment, I didn’t have the words that would do my thoughts justice – ones that wouldn’t make me sound silly or stupid.  Even a few months ago, someone asked me why I did the things I do…and I couldn’t give an answer that seemed good enough to me.

Going further with the alpha analogy – I know I am a beta.  I know this with every fiber of my being.  It’s where I am meant to be.  However, I am not the beta most people think of.

Betas, to most people, are the followers of the alphas.  The doormats.  Something to be stepped over, unnoticed.  But for me, being a beta doesn’t even come close to being that.

I follow alphas – true alphas.  There aren’t many, and I’ve met even fewer in person.  For those who watch, it doesn’t take much to discern the fakers from the true.  The true ones, I follow.  I’m meant to follow, like some people are meant to follow God.  And just like those people, when I am feeling the presence of a true alpha, it can be a spiritual experience.  As so many in this world find peace, meaning and growth through their faith in any particular religion, I find the same things within the belief that I belong as a beta.  The mere fact that this presence is there demands that I submit: it does not demand it from me, but I simply have no other thought in my mind. In my mind I abase myself – not with a feeling of humiliation, degradation, or because I am somehow less. I abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.  I imagine that it is much like a religious feeling…a feeling of knowledge of a greater power.

I belong on my knees.  Given the chance, I can and will worship there.  But I don’t bow to just anyone.  I am not free with my worship.  What kind of alpha would want someone following them who would follow just anyone?  I am choosy, and rightfully so.  You want me to bow?  Be prepared to prove I belong there.  Show me.  Make me.  Force me.  I will fight you, and when you’ve mastered me, I’ll fight for you.  I will fight, because if I win…you aren’t worth my knees.

Because of this, I have my own opinions.  I have definitions of what is important to me, what inspires me, and what I would fight to the death for.  I have opinions on what is worth my time, and what is a waste of my time.

That’s the beta that steps forth when I close my eyes – the female wolf, baring her teeth.  She is strong in ways different than the alpha, but no less important.  She is nurturing, loving, caring, and protective…in a fierce, wild way.

Just because….

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From this post:

When i close my eyes…it is a presence. In my mind, it forms a picture much like the Egyptians pictures their Goddess, Nut. She is depicted as hovering over the earth in a protective arch, her body filled with stars, her fingers and toes touching each of the cardinal points. This is how i envision this presence – surrounding me, protecting me, watching me. The mere fact that this presence is there demands that i submit – it does not demand it from me, but i simply have no other thought in my mind. It has no face, no gender, no name. It is simply there, and i surrender. In my mind i abase myself – not with a feeling of humiliation, degradation, or because i am somehow less. i abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.

i imagine that it is much like a religious feeling…a feeling of knowledge of a greater power. i feel as though i have given up the shell of my submission and revealed something…that is no longer a separate entity of myself, but a fully ingrained and driving force of my very soul.

my submission now is very different than it was before. Along with no longer being a separate entity, it is also now something i do not have to force. It is always there, i can always feel it. It is no longer an action, but a state of being. It brings me joy, peace, and serenity. i can’t fit it into a box anymore…now it is the box.

Spinning

help

I did not do well on an exam in one of my classes, and I’m caught up in a tailspin.  I’m running numbers, figuring out what my grade will be even if I get all the points possible in the future.  All I can see is this tornado of thoughts, thoughts that somehow are SCREAMING at me while at the same time being completely unreachable as they spin away.  I’m going to try, because I think I need to.

I’m sorry I’m so fat and ugly.  I wish I wasn’t for you.  I’m sorry you have to settle for me.  Maybe I need to think of weight-loss like a class in school – I can never get started, always scared of this huge, yawning effort stretching out in front of me but maybe I just need to think of it like class where I work hard for a set time period and then reap the rewards.  But I’m still afraid of starting.  I’m afraid that even if I’m more attractive physically, people still won’t like me – and I won’t have the fat to blame anymore.  Just me.  Only me.  Defective me.  I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry.  Spinspinspin….alonealonealone….I feel so detached.  Separated.  So tired of carrying around this thing that isn’t me.

Random bullets

  • I was thinking about starting Crossfit…but I think (feel like?) I psyched myself out.  I’ve decided to join the Y again, because now the classes are free with membership, and somehow that seems more…or less…yeah, less intense.
  • I completely freaked myself out considering Crossfit.  Like, anxiety and paranoia and ugly swirling together in this soft serve from hell.
  • I’m….so tired of being scared.  Everything scares me.  If someone doesn’t talk to me, I’m scared that they don’t like me.  If someone offers up a suggestion, I’m scared that their opinion of me has plummeted to the depths of lowness.  I’m scared of starting another fitness regime because I might fail at it again – but I’m even more scared that I’ll succeed and I’ll still hate myself.  And this is not passing fears – everything I mentioned puts me in a can’t-think-of-anything-else, paranoid-shakes, crying-for-no-reason fright.  And they usually happen during work.  Which is awesome.  =/
  • However…I realized that the more I do for myself, the better I feel.  The more in-control I feel, and therefore the less scared I am.  This comes mostly from starting school.